Week the First

:"Oh my sweet Westley, what have I done?"

- Buttercup in The Princess Bride

Okay, okay, I know the quote doesn't entirely seem to fit, but, "let me explain...no, there is too much. Let me sum up...". ;)  It all started last week when I recieved a text message out of the blue that contained nothing more than a quote from the Princess Bride. This is arguably one of the greatest cinematic treasures of all time and since that text, quotes from said beloved movie have been frequenting the oddest corners of my thoughts. Not the least is the quote above. Well... not exactly the "Oh my sweet Westley part", but definately the "What have I done?" part.
I didn't exactly want to blog on this aspect of my week, but there has kind of been the overarching theme of being in over my head - in a lot of ways.
We'll back up for a moment before this starts to sound all bad:
I am delighted to be back in Cross Lake, and it's so good to see all of the incredible staff who work in the nursing station. They are a marvelously warm, vibrant and skilled bunch and I could not  ask for better people to learn from and emulate in nursing, but as I said I have to be honest and admit that I may in over my head. Perhaps a week is too soon to draw that conclusion, but if bumbling, klutziness, and completely forgetting even the little knowledge you thought you knew right when you need it most are any indication - I have a long, steep learning curve ahead of me.
To their credit, the staff I am working with are patient, and gentle when offering correction, but I know enough to know when I am not doing a very good job - even not up to the best of my ability or knowledge (and for no lack of trying I promise you!).

I'm not asking "What have I done?" because I am unhappy, but I guess I'm asking it for the same reason Buttercup did - because I am terrified that I might cause hurt. That is my biggest fear in this job, that someday I will make a mistake (because I am all to aware that I am human) and that someone will be hurt because of it.

I have a dear friend who reminded me that being over your head is a good thing because it reminds you that you have to rely on God - I mean really rely on God. I am quick to talk bold talk, but this week has reminded me that I am very small indeed and that I still have so much need for God.  In a way I have been blessed this week because it has reminded me to pray much and often, and I've felt pretty child like. God doesn't leave when you feel small and inadequate though - he feels even more close. It is good to feel wrapped in his arms and because of that I have been sleeping securely and deeply.

This week I have been trying to remind myself that God does not judge me for my nursing ability, or even for being a scatterbrain. Most of all he has reminded me that he loves my patients more that I can even grasp. I must strive to do my very best for everyone I encounter but also have to realize that sometimes this is small and flawed so that in all things I must trust him. I must leave my short-comings in his hands and look to him, for strength and wisdom. As my firiend reminded me, I need to ask "Was everything I did today motivated by love?" because ultimately the people I see and the people I work with are treasured by Love.
That that is something I need to keep even closer to my mind than quotes from the Princess Bride.

... but in the mean time... how about another one for the road? It makes me smile because sometimes this is a little how I feel about passing the CRNE and officially being a 'real' nurse...haha! ;)

"A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fireswamp"

"We'll never survive!"

"Nonsense.... you're only saying that because no one ever has!"

- The Princess Bride