What came after...

CRNE? check.
2nd delicious potluck? check.
First snowfall? check.

It is funny how I feel that I have so much to say... until I sit down to actually say it, and now, here I am staring at the white, expectant space wondering what it was I felt I had to share after all.

I suppose we should start with the CRNE (or the national Canadian RN exam). I would like to start by thanking you all SO MUCH for your prayers and encouragement as I prepared  and wrote the exam. It was a very unpredictable sort of exam... the kind that lulls you into thinking you know what you are doing... and then picks you up and shakes you into a timid unsure ball the next. I honestly have no idea how I did and to further complicate matters, I don't even know what kind of grade is required to pass because it is always on a curve, and usually high!
So, for now - and for the next six weeks - I will wait for the results and honestly, so fart that part has not been so bad. I am relieved to have it done with, and work is keeping me more than busy enough so that I am not sitting around worrying aobut it! There's nothing like a new, steeper than ever learning curve, to distract you eh?  :)

Another high point of the last week was that after the exam I was able to stay  out and go home for Thanksgiving with my family. They are a MARVELOUS bunch and it was do good for my soul to be home. It gets dearer and dearer everytime. There was food, and walks, and much laughter - not to mention all the stories about  how my sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles are doing. It was such a time of blessing and I found myself praising God for the family that he has given me, for the encouragement and source of joy that they have always been in my life.

Of course, eventually it was time to return to Cross Lake and I wasn't entirely sure that I was ready for that - having just come from a wonderful time with my family and still feeling pretty unsure about my ability to do my job well - but you know what? God knew. On Tuesday, I wasn't able to get on the flight I'd wanted and ended up getting an extra half day to hang out in Winnipeg before catching the next flight. I ended up spending a marvelous day reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. For anyone who reads - I HIGHLY reccomend this book!

The rest of this week has gone well I think and as I write the first snowfall of the year is falling wetly outside. The learning curve has remained steep - but there have been many encouraging moments as well., like long conversations with friends, kind words from my colleagues, and even a potluck breakfast on Friday.  God has been reminding me often that he is greater than anything I may face or fear, he is in control and for reasons I will never be able to grasp - he loves me more than I will ever know. It is very comforting. In fact - how could you know walk around with joy in your heart everyday because of that? :)

Week the First

:"Oh my sweet Westley, what have I done?"

- Buttercup in The Princess Bride

Okay, okay, I know the quote doesn't entirely seem to fit, but, "let me explain...no, there is too much. Let me sum up...". ;)  It all started last week when I recieved a text message out of the blue that contained nothing more than a quote from the Princess Bride. This is arguably one of the greatest cinematic treasures of all time and since that text, quotes from said beloved movie have been frequenting the oddest corners of my thoughts. Not the least is the quote above. Well... not exactly the "Oh my sweet Westley part", but definately the "What have I done?" part.
I didn't exactly want to blog on this aspect of my week, but there has kind of been the overarching theme of being in over my head - in a lot of ways.
We'll back up for a moment before this starts to sound all bad:
I am delighted to be back in Cross Lake, and it's so good to see all of the incredible staff who work in the nursing station. They are a marvelously warm, vibrant and skilled bunch and I could not  ask for better people to learn from and emulate in nursing, but as I said I have to be honest and admit that I may in over my head. Perhaps a week is too soon to draw that conclusion, but if bumbling, klutziness, and completely forgetting even the little knowledge you thought you knew right when you need it most are any indication - I have a long, steep learning curve ahead of me.
To their credit, the staff I am working with are patient, and gentle when offering correction, but I know enough to know when I am not doing a very good job - even not up to the best of my ability or knowledge (and for no lack of trying I promise you!).

I'm not asking "What have I done?" because I am unhappy, but I guess I'm asking it for the same reason Buttercup did - because I am terrified that I might cause hurt. That is my biggest fear in this job, that someday I will make a mistake (because I am all to aware that I am human) and that someone will be hurt because of it.

I have a dear friend who reminded me that being over your head is a good thing because it reminds you that you have to rely on God - I mean really rely on God. I am quick to talk bold talk, but this week has reminded me that I am very small indeed and that I still have so much need for God.  In a way I have been blessed this week because it has reminded me to pray much and often, and I've felt pretty child like. God doesn't leave when you feel small and inadequate though - he feels even more close. It is good to feel wrapped in his arms and because of that I have been sleeping securely and deeply.

This week I have been trying to remind myself that God does not judge me for my nursing ability, or even for being a scatterbrain. Most of all he has reminded me that he loves my patients more that I can even grasp. I must strive to do my very best for everyone I encounter but also have to realize that sometimes this is small and flawed so that in all things I must trust him. I must leave my short-comings in his hands and look to him, for strength and wisdom. As my firiend reminded me, I need to ask "Was everything I did today motivated by love?" because ultimately the people I see and the people I work with are treasured by Love.
That that is something I need to keep even closer to my mind than quotes from the Princess Bride.

... but in the mean time... how about another one for the road? It makes me smile because sometimes this is a little how I feel about passing the CRNE and officially being a 'real' nurse...haha! ;)

"A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fireswamp"

"We'll never survive!"

"Nonsense.... you're only saying that because no one ever has!"

- The Princess Bride